Question by ksille200x: Can you please comment on my first two paragraphs for a story?
Hey I am an amateur writer who has only recently began writing. Can you please comment on my first two paragraphs. Really appreciate it!
Descending frantically across an extensive network of rolling plains lay a bending, ancient mountain range dominating the horizon for countless miles upon end. Characterized by jutting, limestone cliffs which soared to majestic heights, they were a genuine marvel to all lucky enough to view them. They were surrounded by transparent, voluminous clouds which rolled by carelessly in the oceanic tinted sky, flittering past without a care for the earthly happenings occurring below. The sky was illuminated with the glorious trappings of a sun which had persistently been welcoming the arrival of summer with bountiful quantities of heat, basking the region in a glowing and healthy aura worthy of any competing tropical destination. Lush vegetation began sprouting and emerging triumphantly from the earth paving the countryside and surrounding greenery in unparalleled visceral displays of color and beauty. The boundaries of life remained comfortably static and unhinged with nothing threatening to disrupt this apparent perfect balance. As always business was booming in the town of Abbeyville as the important and highly significant tourist season had entered into full swing. Salivating shop owners rejoiced at the sight of unwitting holiday goers seeking to dispense and forego their highly prized wads of cash in return for overpriced, worthless souvenirs. Untold quantities of wealth had accumulated in this diminutive, little town over the years as the tourist industry became a primary and necessary source of income for its residents. Adjacent roadways and streets became battlegrounds as numerous vendors and salespeople vied and competed for shopper’s attentions. Strategically announcing discounts and utilizing underhand business methods were trusted tactics in rounding up and identifying potential sales. Swathes of underpaid and exhausted employees fought heroically and hilariously with each other hoping desperately to score that exceedingly anticipated goal of achieving a completed transaction with an unknowing victim. An actual sale would potentially culminate with an award of commission for their hard work and tireless labor. Abbeyville was a reputable, exciting and enthralling tourist destination, egotistically boasting countless cultural and historical antiquities which wholeheartedly guaranteed a substantial and everlasting market of both local and international travelers. These attractions and facilities ensured that heaps of money continued to flow immeasurably into the local community. Golden, lustrous sands saturated the beachfront and the clear, pristine waters of the ocean offered a selection of aquatic activities to please thrill seekers and swimmers alike. The town’s proximity to the exquisite seafront and it’s dazzling, uncompromised scenery virtually ensured the vicinity would constantly be awash with sightseers and visitors seeking solace in its otherworldly and idyllic surroundings.
The everlasting and seemingly never-ending school year had ceremoniously come to an end, and this conclusion heralded joyous sighs of relief from the entire student demographic as another rudimentary term had finally come to a close. Wide eyed teenagers flirted relentlessly with the vivid conception of an unbridled summer where the cruel and ferocious rules and regulations which chained and tangled their existence throughout the preceding months would at long last become unburdened providing a short-lived and relatively uneventful era of peace and tranquility, free from tests, textbooks and the dreaded teachers, whom they had secretly and adoringly come to love. Overbearing, ornate and sterile hallways stretching in all noticeable directions were filled with the merry sounds of excitable students examining and analyzing their potential options for the coming months, gathering ideas and calibrating disaster proof itineraries to perpetuate a successful and unforgettable vacation. Creatin
and completing a precise and exact timetable of events provided a stable and constructive foundation in which every minute detail could be solidified into a realistic scenario to adequately assess the probability that any unforeseen, embarrassing moments suffered throughout this wonderful and long-lasting break would not translate into utter, unbearable humiliation once the new school year miserably restarted. Scurrying footsteps drenched the halls in noise and created a hurried sense of urgency as pupils raced to empty their lockers. This widespread collection of underutilized stationary and copybooks was a yearly ritual, celebrated unanimously as the beginning of something new and exciting. Everybody seemed to be in good spirits, gossiping uncontrollably about their planned foreign holidays and expensive trips but for one lonely individual, the coming months brought nothing but increased pressure and a certain whiff of despair. Peter Pettyflow was an awkward, troublesome boy labeled
a danger by his peers and teachers. Suffering from a lack of attention at both home and school, he resorted to desperate measures in order to become known. Creating trouble wherever he dared to venture, his existence was akin to a shadow roaming aimlessly among normal, happy people. Yearning for somebody to confide in, Peter’s social life was nonexistent and categorically empty. Walking through the long, winding corridors seemed like more than a simple stroll, it was an obstacle course in which everybody wanted to hurt him. Heading straight toward a bunch of perfectly manicured girls, Peter expected abuse and began experiencing animated, distinct hot flushes.
‘’Hey Peter! What are you doing for the summer?’’ Screeched Julia, a tough, built girl with biceps bigger than most of the boys. Almost immediately a callous, broad smirk swept across her featureless face as she already knew the answer. The stench of sarcasm was unbearable.
‘’I don’t know yet but hopefully it doesn’t involve you!
Peter declared pretentiously with a noticeably artificial grin. Almost immediately all of her so-called friends began to cackle loudly while Julia threatened severe beatings to whoever mocked her. Despite suffering a spate of nasty and debilitating comments over the years from practically all of his peers, Peter still was a force to be reckoned with when insults came his way.
Thanks everyone I am trying a lot of different styles at the moment and this is just one….i do agree that it sounds forced and over complicated but I was just seeing how people would react to this style..the comments here have really helped though. I will post up some more writing another day so can everyone comment because these tips are actually very good!
Answer by Barbie
It’s still as pretentious and overdone as it was last time you post it.
The use of words make the prose seem arrogant and it doesn’t flow. Just because you (and me, and my mother and the lady next door) know the meaning of big words doesn’t mean they fit into a narrative.
You’re not impressing people with your vocabulary, you’re giving the impression that you spent a long time trying to think of words to make people go ‘wow’. That’s a narrative killer right there.
“It’s hard to write a story that is easy to read”. Simple is sophisticated.
It’s just way too overdone!
Add your own answer in the comments!